Chapter the First, on How the HMS Fort Awesome Set Sail

And so, on the twelfth day of the sixth month of the sixth year of the third millenium, Waltorious was granted the rank of Captain, and given unto him was the ship HMS Fort Awesome, and a fine vessel it was indeed. And Captain Waltorious did say, "Verily, I must find the finest crew in all the land, for only they art worthy of such a great ship."

And so Captain Waltorious did send word that he wouldst be taking a crew, and soon the people cameth from all ends of the kingdom. The first were Dan Kelly and Aaron Esser-Kahn; they didst approach Captain Waltorious and say, "Captain, we wouldst join thy ship, for we are the wisest in the land." And Captain Waltorious did reply, "What great knowledge hast thou learned?" And Dan Kelly did answer, "We have each swam the waters of the Inter Net, and gained much knowledge thereof, and in my travels I have found several of those rarest and most ancient artifacts known as Consoles, and I doth control them with the greatest of skill." And Aaron Esser-Kahn did say, "Verily, Dan speaks true about our knowledge of the Inter Net. Also I have gained great knowledge of the musical arts, and my skill at dancing is unsurpassed in the land." And Captain Waltorious did answer, "Truly, thou art wise. I welcome thee to my humble vessel."

Next didst CEO Craig Schwak approach the Captain, and beseeched, "Captain, I wouldst like to sail with thee, for truly I am the most cunning in the land." And Captain Waltorious did reply, "Of what art thou cunning?" And Craig Schwak did answer, "I wast born in yon Bad Part, but despite my beginnings I have attained not only the title of CEO and Chairman, but also the title of The Man, which giveth me great power over other men." And the Captain did cry, "Thou art truly cunning! I welcome thee to my humble vessel."

And then didst Joe Batchelor approach the Captain, and he said, "Captain Waltorious, I wouldst sail with thee, for I am the bravest in the land." And the Captain did ask, "What brave feats hast thou done?" And Joe Batchelor did answer, "I have undertaken the most dangerous and arduous of adverntures upon mere whim, and posess countless tales with which to awe and inspire." And Captain Waltorious didst say, "Thou art surely brave indeed. I welcome thee to my humble vessel."

Lastly did Keith Lawler Jr. approach Captain Waltorious, and he didst cry, "Captain! I wouldst sail with thee on thy fine vessel, for I am truly the strongest in the land!" And the Captain didst ask, "How great be thy strength?" And Keith Lawler Jr. didst not speak, but rolled up his sleeve, and firmly grasped his pale, pasty bicep, and the crew didst gasp. "Forsooth!", Captain Waltorious didst cry, "verily thou art the strongest man in the kingdom! I welcome thee to my humble vessel."

And, thusly, having found his crew, the Captain didst bid them to set the sails, and the HMS Fort Awesome didst cast off into the fine morning, in search of untold knowledge and wisdom over the enchanted seas.