Chapter the Tenth, on How the Crew of the HMS Fort Awesome Became Guitar Heroes
And so the HMS Fort Awesome didst come upon the Isle of Eightbit, of which there were many legends. 'Twas told that the ancient explorer Hiro Sega hadst been the first to set foot on yon Isle, and from it hadst taken the secrets that became national treasures of the Atari Empire. Few hadst ever been on its shores, as it lay far across the Eastern oceans, where many a vessel hadst set forth and never returned. But the crew of the HMS Fort Awesome hadst valiantly braved the waters, and went ashore with excitement.
"I hath heard there be'est great treasures here!" Keith Lawler cried. "Aye, 'tis so in all the legends," Aaron Esser-Kahn agreed. "Verily, let us explore!" the Captain cried. And so the crew didst split up to search the isle.
After some hours, CEO Craig Schwak and Dan Kelly returned with all manner of controllers from Ancient Consoles. "I hath never seen so many!" Dan Kelly cried. "Aye, there art piles over yon," CEO Craig Schwak spake. But then they didst hear Joe Batchelor cry from over yon hill, "Come quickly, thou must see this!"
The crew didst look upon the object Joe Batchelor hadst unearthed. "It dost look like a controller for a Console, but 'tis shaped like a guitar," Nate Sheetz spake. "We must follow yon cord!" And so the crew followed the cord, which didst sink into the sand. After some time digging, they didst unearth a box, which hadst ancient text upon it. "What dost it say?" the Captain asked. "I am rusty with the ancient dialects, but I believe it doth say 'Guitar Hero'," Aaron Esser-Kahn spake. "It doth appear to be a device for a Console," Joe Batchelor observed. "Let us take it to the ship and try it with one of the Consoles we hath collected."
And so the crew didst insert the disc into the Console, and discovered that it didst simulate guitar playing. "We canst play guitar in hundreds of musical compositions!" Nate Sheetz didst exclaim. And the crew didst try it, and found it most enjoyable.
And so, as the crew set off for the return voyage, they didst take turns attempting the guitar simulation. Nate Sheetz and Joe Batchelor didst display especial skill, and each didst expend great effort to master the most difficult pieces. For a fortnight and more they didst attempt to recreate the fastest shreds and licks. When they hadst been at sea for a month, the rest of the crew didst begin to grow weary of the guitar. "Verily, I hath heard 'Bark At Yon Moon' twelve times in the last hour!" the Captain didst exclaim. "Aye, and it soundeth most choppy, for they misseth many notes," CEO Craig Shcwak agreed. "I hath been considering jumping overboard," Aaron Esser-Kahn spake. But still Nate Sheetz and Joe Batchelor didst wail most valiantly upon the guitar-controller, until at long last and with a great cry, they hadst completed the most difficult compositions. "Truly, we art now guitar heroes!" Joe Batchelor cried. And the crew wast glad, for now there 'twas blissful silence upon the decks.
When the HMS Fort Awesome returned to port, they found Manish Patel and the HMS Fort Kickass hadst also dropped anchor. The crew wast excited to see him, for it hadst been a long time since they had met last. Joe Batchelor didst tell Manish Patel about Guitar Hero. "I hath heard of this!" Manish Patel exclaimed. "They say there is another such simulator, called Guitar Hero 2, that lies hidden on the Isle of Pixel." "Verily, we must needs seek it out!" Nate Sheetz cried. The other crewmembers didst look upon each other. "I do not cherish the thought of more guitar simulations," the Captain spake. "Verily, I dost not either," CEO Craig Schwak didst reply. But then Aaron Esser-Kahn approached and spake, "I hath heard from Manish Patel that Guitar Hero 2 dost feature a composition by Dethklok!" "Dethklok!" Captain Waltorious didst cry. "They art surely the greatest band that hath ever lived!" "Manish Patel also spake that there be'est compositions by Spinal Tap and Buckethead," Aaron Esser-Kahn spake. "Perhaps then 'twill not be so bad after all," Keith Lawler didst say. And so the crew didst make preparations and weighed anchor, and set sail again across the Eastern ocean to seek the Isle of Pixel, for to become true Guitar Heroes.
And they did. Rock on.
"I hath heard there be'est great treasures here!" Keith Lawler cried. "Aye, 'tis so in all the legends," Aaron Esser-Kahn agreed. "Verily, let us explore!" the Captain cried. And so the crew didst split up to search the isle.
After some hours, CEO Craig Schwak and Dan Kelly returned with all manner of controllers from Ancient Consoles. "I hath never seen so many!" Dan Kelly cried. "Aye, there art piles over yon," CEO Craig Schwak spake. But then they didst hear Joe Batchelor cry from over yon hill, "Come quickly, thou must see this!"
The crew didst look upon the object Joe Batchelor hadst unearthed. "It dost look like a controller for a Console, but 'tis shaped like a guitar," Nate Sheetz spake. "We must follow yon cord!" And so the crew followed the cord, which didst sink into the sand. After some time digging, they didst unearth a box, which hadst ancient text upon it. "What dost it say?" the Captain asked. "I am rusty with the ancient dialects, but I believe it doth say 'Guitar Hero'," Aaron Esser-Kahn spake. "It doth appear to be a device for a Console," Joe Batchelor observed. "Let us take it to the ship and try it with one of the Consoles we hath collected."
And so the crew didst insert the disc into the Console, and discovered that it didst simulate guitar playing. "We canst play guitar in hundreds of musical compositions!" Nate Sheetz didst exclaim. And the crew didst try it, and found it most enjoyable.
And so, as the crew set off for the return voyage, they didst take turns attempting the guitar simulation. Nate Sheetz and Joe Batchelor didst display especial skill, and each didst expend great effort to master the most difficult pieces. For a fortnight and more they didst attempt to recreate the fastest shreds and licks. When they hadst been at sea for a month, the rest of the crew didst begin to grow weary of the guitar. "Verily, I hath heard 'Bark At Yon Moon' twelve times in the last hour!" the Captain didst exclaim. "Aye, and it soundeth most choppy, for they misseth many notes," CEO Craig Shcwak agreed. "I hath been considering jumping overboard," Aaron Esser-Kahn spake. But still Nate Sheetz and Joe Batchelor didst wail most valiantly upon the guitar-controller, until at long last and with a great cry, they hadst completed the most difficult compositions. "Truly, we art now guitar heroes!" Joe Batchelor cried. And the crew wast glad, for now there 'twas blissful silence upon the decks.
When the HMS Fort Awesome returned to port, they found Manish Patel and the HMS Fort Kickass hadst also dropped anchor. The crew wast excited to see him, for it hadst been a long time since they had met last. Joe Batchelor didst tell Manish Patel about Guitar Hero. "I hath heard of this!" Manish Patel exclaimed. "They say there is another such simulator, called Guitar Hero 2, that lies hidden on the Isle of Pixel." "Verily, we must needs seek it out!" Nate Sheetz cried. The other crewmembers didst look upon each other. "I do not cherish the thought of more guitar simulations," the Captain spake. "Verily, I dost not either," CEO Craig Schwak didst reply. But then Aaron Esser-Kahn approached and spake, "I hath heard from Manish Patel that Guitar Hero 2 dost feature a composition by Dethklok!" "Dethklok!" Captain Waltorious didst cry. "They art surely the greatest band that hath ever lived!" "Manish Patel also spake that there be'est compositions by Spinal Tap and Buckethead," Aaron Esser-Kahn spake. "Perhaps then 'twill not be so bad after all," Keith Lawler didst say. And so the crew didst make preparations and weighed anchor, and set sail again across the Eastern ocean to seek the Isle of Pixel, for to become true Guitar Heroes.
And they did. Rock on.
posted by Waltorious at 2:54 PM
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