Chapter the Seventh, on How the Crew Met the Clan of Esser-Kahn

And so the HMS Fort Awesome didst make course for port once more, after many moons charting the Isles of Wraiths in the western seas. 'Twas to the delight of the crew to find they wouldst be dropping anchor in the Golden Bay, knownst by some as the Bay of the Sun, for folk of all ends of the world knoweth of the fine wines that art made there. And it so happened that Aaron Esser-Kahn's mother and sister wert traveling thither anon, and wouldst come to visit the ship, and the crew wast delighted to be able to present the fine vessel.

In two days, the HMS Fort Awesome arrived at the bay, and the crew didst gaze upon its green hills. They wasted not time in dropping anchor and sending the first skiffs to shore, in eagerness. Aaron Esser-Kahn didst meet his mother and sister that same day, to showeth them the ship, and they wert verily impressed. "But more thereafter!" Aaron Esser-Kahn cried. "Now we must needs taste some of the famed wines of the Golden Bay!" And so he and his clan didst set forth in his skiff.

Captain Waltorious hadst business restocking the vessel, but Keith Lawler, CEO Craig Schwak and Dan Kelly wert also eager to head ashore, for Keith Lawler hadst heard there couldst be found fine Hispanish cuisine on the eastern side of the Bay. And so they set forth in CEO Craig Schwak's small skiff, which wast named Shaniqua. "I have heard yon tavern doth have fine Hispanish vittles," Keith Lawler said, and didst point out the location on CEO Craig Schwak's map. “Truth,” CEO Craig Schwak replied. “Nay, prithee allow me to retract mine statement, and speak thusly: double truth.”

It wast not long before they set ashore, and foundeth the tavern readily enough. The food, however, didst not live up to the tales. "'Tis most certainly overpriced," Dan Kelly noted. "I hath verily eaten better," CEO Craig Schwak agreed. "Yea, I hath tasted Hispanish food far better than this in mine hometown," Keith Lawler spake. "Truly, 'tis disappointing." The three ventured outisde, whereupon they didst see a market, wherein merchants wert selling all manner of foodstuffs. "Look yon," CEO Craig Schwak spake, "there art many fine cheeses being sold!" And so the three didst examine the offerings, and CEO Craig Schwak and Keith Lawler spent a good sum, and brought many fine cheeses back to the vessel.

"Aaron Esser-Kahn must needs still be ashore," Dan Kelly noted, when they hadst returned. "Yea, and the Captain hast gone for provisions," Keith Lawler didst observe. "Verily, let us taste of these fine cheeses!" And so CEO Craig Schwak and Keith Lawler didst partake of the cheeses, and didst fine them most succulent. "Dost thou knoweth what wouldst go well with these cheeses?" CEO Craig Schwak asked. "A bottle of wine wouldst be perfect." And it so happened that Captain Waltorious hadst requested for several cases of wine to be brought aboard for the subsequent voyage, and Keith Lawler didst spy them. "Yonder, the Captain hast brought wines aboard!" Keith Lawler shouted. "We shouldst throw a wine and cheeses gala!" "Yea, but we hath spent much on yon cheeses, and we hath not much to share," CEO Craig Schwak spake. "We doth not need guests," Keith Lawler espoused, "we shalt enjoy yon wines and cheeses in our own company!" And so the two didst partake of the cheeses and wines.

When the Captain didst return with more provisions, he didst find Keith Lawler and CEO Craig Schwak in most high spirits. “We hath drunken of yon wines!” Keith Lawler cried, most mirthfully, as he didst stagger over the decks. “Yea, and our cheeses wert as music to our mouths!” CEO Craig Schwak called forth from where he layeth on the deckboards. “I desireth pie, but alas I hath partaken of too much spirits and canst not man the tiller of a skiff,” Keith Lawler lamented. “Pie!” CEO Craig Schwak didst cry, to no person in particular.

‘Twas at that moment that Aaron Esser–Kahn didst return with his kin. Keith Lawler didst shout most loudly about wines and cheeses, and CEO Craig Schwak wast rolling about on the decks, and occasionally wouldst cry, “bringeth me pie, thou scurvy knave!” Aaron Esser-Kahn’s kin wert most taken aback by this sight, and the Captain didst attempt to reassure them. Shortly thereafter Aaron Esser-Kahn and his kin didst depart once again for to seeketh supper ashore. “We wert most drunken and brazen in the presence of Aaron Esser-Kahn’s clan,” Keith spake, e’en as he wast still fulleth of grog. “We must needs make amends!” “Bringeth me pie!” CEO Craig Schwak didst cry from the deckboards.

And so Keith Lawler didst persuade Andrea Manzo to take him ashore in her skiff, and he didst procure many pies, and returned with them to the HMS Fort Awesome. Whence Aaron Esser-Kahn didst return with his kin, Keith Lawler didst offer them and all the crew slices of his pies, and they wert most appreciative. Aaron Esser-Kahn didst relate that they hadst been out tasting the fine wines of the bay themselves, and couldst sympathize with Keith Lawler and CEO Craig Schwak’s merriment. And so Aaron Esser-Kahn’s clan didst depart as friends, and wouldst oft visit the vessel whence it wast in port. Truly, they came to know the crew well, and anon the awkward circumstances of their meeting wast forgotten.

Just last night I spoke with Elvis

And We went out on a shopping spree.

So I decided someone actually needs to update this mofo since like 27,352 people have access to update this (email me if you want to be added, although presumably since no one ever updates no one is reading this) and no one ever does. So this will sound far more like a blog post than anything I ever have posted before or probably ever will, cause it gives some vague insight into my life, however slim. In the future I'll avoid that for you, the reader, since trust me you wouldn't like me if you, the reader, knew what I was up to. Let me summarize, it's not appropriate for small children.

Well first I figured I should put a linky to the very method by which you are reading this


New Built to spill came out recently, which was pretty good.

My birthday happened so I talked to alot of people who I forgot to talk to for a while, cause everyone remembers my birthday for some reason.

This weekend I got invited to a whole Bunch of things, yet went to none of them.


All right, maybe someone else will update this piece.

People Say That I Don't Understand What It Takes To Want To Be Your Man. I Don't Care Much For That, I Don't Know Why.

Mein Menu, part 3: The Great China

I've been staring at it for an hour, and it still doesn't make any sense. You know how these professors are... they write a textbook and they act like it's beneath them to actually figure out if the questions are worth a damn. Feels like I've been looking at this thing for five hours instead of one. It's getting late, and I can feel how empty the building is. Even Jared is gone. But it's not like I have anywhere to be. Times like this, I usually crack open a bottle of something, to ease up the mind. All I could scrounge up today was a Beck's, and it's not helping. Maybe it's time to pack up for the night.

That's when I hear the footsteps, and, fainter, the sounds of a saxophone. Dames... they always have perfect timing. As the foosteps get closer I look up to see a figure step around the liquid nitrogen dispenser. Except it's not a dame. It's Craig. "Hey man, we were going to grab some Chinese food, if you want to come," he says. I look back at the book in front of me, with the equations staring right back. The tropospheric lifetime of methane is going to have to wait.

Outside it's raining, even harder than I expected. Keith, Aaron and Manish are there. I turn up the collar of my trenchcoat. "Manish, where's your ride?" Aaron asks. "I've got it up on the north side," Manish replies. "We can get most of the way underground," Keith says. It's true. If anyone knows the bowels of these buildings, it's us. After several dark corridors and a ride on the freight elevator, we're standing outside Tan Hall and Manish heads for his car.

The place we're going is called The Great China. Never been there before myself, but the fellas say it's got a good rep, in the right circles. Still, when we get there, I'm a little skeptical. I get my Chinese food at the small joints off the alleyways, but this place is a step up, on a full-fledged side street. The sign is unassuming enough though; a little white one with "The Great China" in small print. You'd probably walk right by it if you didn't know it was there. That's promising, at least... there's enough glaring neon in this town to make a man colorblind.

We pull the car into the alley in the back, which makes me feel a little more at ease. It's stopped raining too, which is more luck than a man can expect around here. When we get inside, I can tell this place is the real deal. Aaron shoots me a glance that says "how could you have doubted me?" He's right, of course. I guess I'm just a little low on trust these days.

The people in this place know what they want, and what they want is some good Chinese food. Let the high-class blokes keep their upscale Solano restaurants... this joint is where the real stuff is. A dame once told me that you can tell a good Chinese joint if it's got oil in the floor. Well, let's just say that the carpets in this place look a few shades darker than green number twelve.

We get a table in the back. It's next to a window that used to be a door, with a nice view of the back alley. The waiter gives us menus, but I barely need to glance at one. There's only one thing on the menu for me: the Deluxe Chow Mein. We get in our order, and the fellas get some spring rolls and potstickers for the table. We don't have to wait long. If you couldn't tell that the cook pulled no punches with the spring rolls, you can definitely tell with the mustard they come with. It hits you like a lightbulb to the face. A lightbulb full of wasabi. The potstickers don't mess around either... you won't find any of those thin-skinned runts here, these are all-out dumplings.

Then the chow mein arrives. It's got everything a man could ask for. Beef, chicken, pork, and shrimp with exactly the right mix of vegetables thrown in. But the main thing is that they've got the noodles down. Chow mein is all about the noodles, and I'll be damned if it isn't hard to find a cook who knows how it's done. Just the right amount of sauce mixed in, and it's near-perfect. The fact that I get a huge heaping platter doesn't hurt either.

Just when we're finishing up, a garbage truck pulls into the alley. This guy must have the graveyard shift. I've been there before. It's a good thing we didn't take my car... this guy would throw that piece of junk out with the rest of the trash. Still, we're not going to be able to get Manish's car out of there until the garbage man is done with his business. Suits me just fine... means we get to sit back for a little bit, before it's back to the grind in the morning. Not often a man can get a bit of a break around here. Trying to get by in this place will wear a guy down, week in and week out. But one thing about this town... you sure can get some damned good Chinese food.