Mein Menu, part 9: Sam Woo Barbeque Restaurant

The silence is getting a bit awkward. I’m pretty sure it doesn’t take quite this long to read the Mein Menu entries, even if he is an extremely slow reader. He seems to be staring intently at the pages while actually thinking about something completely different. Like linguisa.

I clear my throat, but he doesn’t seem to notice. There is more silence. Finally I ask, “well?”

He looks up, and then pauses for a second, as if recalling where he is. Then he says, “they’re good.” And then more silence. Is that it? I’m about to say something when he begins again: “But you’re a dilettante. An amateur. Yeah, you can talk about the chow mein, and I can tell you’re a fan of the dish. But I can also tell you don’t really know anything about it. You’ve got a bunch of reviews here, but what you need is a standard to compare against.”

Then he’s silent again. That’s fair, I think to myself. I never pretended to be an expert on the subject of chow mein, just someone who, when he has eaten it, has enjoyed the experience. But if I really want –

My thoughts are interrupted when he suddenly speaks again: “Also, I don’t know about the title. I mean, Mein Menu? That’s pretty lame.”

***

Tiffany knows a place.

Conveniently, I am going with her to visit her parents for a few days for Thanksgiving, which provides an excellent excuse to visit Sam Woo Barbeque Restaurant, her family’s favorite Chinese place and one which, according to Tiffany, is the real deal when it comes to chow mein.

As it happens, we are going to head to the restaurant straight from the airport after arrival. We get picked up by Tiffany’s mother and grandmother, and are told that her father will be meeting us there after he gets off from work. It’s not too far to the place, and we have more than enough conversation topics to fill the time.

We get there, park, and head inside. If the place had been called John Woo Barbeque Restaurant, there would probably be a bunch of birdcages with birds in them, about ten times more people, and some frenetic action-packed gunfights involving pistols in each hand and lots of diving around. But it’s not called John Woo Barbeque Restaurant, it’s called Sam Woo Barbeque Restaurant, and Sam doesn’t roll that way. Sam’s motto is: “Fewer birds and guns, more chow mein.” And given my past experience with guns (and birds for that matter), this is a good thing.

The place is of medium size, and there are a few families eating there already. We sit down at a round table, still finishing up the car ride conversation. Tiffany’s mother wants to give me a different seat than the one I initially sit down in, because I’m facing the kitchen area. I insist that I don’t mind, and Tiffany comes to my defense by telling her mother about the Mein Menu posts I’ve been doing on the blog, and how I’m looking for the real, authentic experience. While I appreciate the gesture, I’m also a little alarmed. Does this mean her mother might actually look at the blog? I’m OK with most people seeing it, but… I mean, I’m pretty sure I wrote “what the fucketh” in one of the posts. Fortunately, Tiffany does not divulge the web address.

Tiffany’s father calls. He’s running a bit late, but he wants us to go ahead and order, and he’ll get here as soon as he can. Tiffany predicts he won’t actually make it, but just wants us to order extra food so he can eat it as leftovers later. If this is, in fact, his intention, then he’s playing his part well.

At any rate, we order the food. Tiffany makes sure to ask for the chow mein, and asks the waiter to prepare it with “the gravy”. After the waiter is gone I ask Tiffany what “the gravy” is, and she tells me she doesn’t know, but it’s delicious. We also order chow fun, Kung Pao chicken, a pork dish, a clam dish, some bok choy and an eggplant dish. Because eggplant is awesome. When the food arrives, it all looks quite tasty, but my attention is understandably drawn to the chow mein.

Sam Woo and John Woo do have one thing in common: their chow mein is done in the Hong Kong style. This means thin, pan-fried noodles, with the meat and vegetables on top. In fact, when the dish arrives, I at first do not even recognize it as chow mein, because the meat piled on top obscures the noodles. Only when Tiffany offers me some do I realize what it is.

I don’t know what “the gravy” is either, but it is, as advertised, quite delicious. I’ve had Hong Kong-style chow mein before on a few occasions, but this is definitely the best I’ve tasted so far. The noodles are quite crispy, but “the gravy” softens them enough to make them significantly easier to handle with chopsticks, and the large pieces of beef are quite good. The other dishes, which I also sample liberally, are also of very high quality, though the eggplant is rather spicy.

About midway through the meal, Tiffany’s father calls again. Sure enough, he’s not going to be able to make it, but he’d appreciate it if we could bring the leftovers home for him. Tiffany would now be demanding payment if anyone had been foolish enough to bet with her on whether her father would show up. But no one was, so instead we just laugh about it.

As we finish, Tiffany asks me how the chow mein was. “It was good,” is all I can muster (you may notice that I am writing this more than a month after the event… sometimes it takes me a while to formulate my thoughts). She asks if it is better than the other chow mein I’ve had. “Well, you can’t really compare the Hong Kong-style chow mein to the Americanized version,” I say. As soon as the words are out of my mouth I realize this is a mistake. I have probably just lost about ten points. “But it was really tasty,” I say in an attempt to recover. A poor attempt. Maybe two points at best.

In retrospect, Sam Woo’s chow mein is most aptly compared to the chow mein from Daimo, covered in Mein Menu part 5. They are the two most authentic versions I have had, and I must say I prefer Sam Woo’s, though Daimo definitely provided more of a sense that I was eating some genuine working-class Chinese fare. Perhaps it was because I didn’t know to ask for “the gravy” at Daimo. Perhaps it was because Daimo put approximately six or seven different types of meat and seafood into their dish, whereas Sam Woo chose to focus on beef, to good effect. At any rate, they were both delicious, and both dishes were rather different experiences than most chow mein I’ve had.

And in the end, the chow mein really is the point, anyway.

Chapter the Tenth, on How the Crew of the HMS Fort Awesome Became Guitar Heroes

And so the HMS Fort Awesome didst come upon the Isle of Eightbit, of which there were many legends. 'Twas told that the ancient explorer Hiro Sega hadst been the first to set foot on yon Isle, and from it hadst taken the secrets that became national treasures of the Atari Empire. Few hadst ever been on its shores, as it lay far across the Eastern oceans, where many a vessel hadst set forth and never returned. But the crew of the HMS Fort Awesome hadst valiantly braved the waters, and went ashore with excitement.

"I hath heard there be'est great treasures here!" Keith Lawler cried. "Aye, 'tis so in all the legends," Aaron Esser-Kahn agreed. "Verily, let us explore!" the Captain cried. And so the crew didst split up to search the isle.


After some hours, CEO Craig Schwak and Dan Kelly returned with all manner of controllers from Ancient Consoles. "I hath never seen so many!" Dan Kelly cried. "Aye, there art piles over yon," CEO Craig Schwak spake. But then they didst hear Joe Batchelor cry from over yon hill, "Come quickly, thou must see this!"

The crew didst look upon the object Joe Batchelor hadst unearthed. "It dost look like a controller for a Console, but 'tis shaped like a guitar," Nate Sheetz spake. "We must follow yon cord!" And so the crew followed the cord, which didst sink into the sand. After some time digging, they didst unearth a box, which hadst ancient text upon it. "What dost it say?" the Captain asked. "I am rusty with the ancient dialects, but I believe it doth say 'Guitar Hero'," Aaron Esser-Kahn spake. "It doth appear to be a device for a Console," Joe Batchelor observed. "Let us take it to the ship and try it with one of the Consoles we hath collected."

And so the crew didst insert the disc into the Console, and discovered that it didst simulate guitar playing. "We canst play guitar in hundreds of musical compositions!" Nate Sheetz didst exclaim. And the crew didst try it, and found it most enjoyable.

And so, as the crew set off for the return voyage, they didst take turns attempting the guitar simulation. Nate Sheetz and Joe Batchelor didst display especial skill, and each didst expend great effort to master the most difficult pieces. For a fortnight and more they didst attempt to recreate the fastest shreds and licks. When they hadst been at sea for a month, the rest of the crew didst begin to grow weary of the guitar. "Verily, I hath heard 'Bark At Yon Moon' twelve times in the last hour!" the Captain didst exclaim. "Aye, and it soundeth most choppy, for they misseth many notes," CEO Craig Shcwak agreed. "I hath been considering jumping overboard," Aaron Esser-Kahn spake. But still Nate Sheetz and Joe Batchelor didst wail most valiantly upon the guitar-controller, until at long last and with a great cry, they hadst completed the most difficult compositions. "Truly, we art now guitar heroes!" Joe Batchelor cried. And the crew wast glad, for now there 'twas blissful silence upon the decks.

When the HMS Fort Awesome returned to port, they found Manish Patel and the HMS Fort Kickass hadst also dropped anchor. The crew wast excited to see him, for it hadst been a long time since they had met last. Joe Batchelor didst tell Manish Patel about Guitar Hero. "I hath heard of this!" Manish Patel exclaimed. "They say there is another such simulator, called Guitar Hero 2, that lies hidden on the Isle of Pixel." "Verily, we must needs seek it out!" Nate Sheetz cried. The other crewmembers didst look upon each other. "I do not cherish the thought of more guitar simulations," the Captain spake. "Verily, I dost not either," CEO Craig Schwak didst reply. But then Aaron Esser-Kahn approached and spake, "I hath heard from Manish Patel that Guitar Hero 2 dost feature a composition by Dethklok!" "Dethklok!" Captain Waltorious didst cry. "They art surely the greatest band that hath ever lived!" "Manish Patel also spake that there be'est compositions by Spinal Tap and Buckethead," Aaron Esser-Kahn spake. "Perhaps then 'twill not be so bad after all," Keith Lawler didst say. And so the crew didst make preparations and weighed anchor, and set sail again across the Eastern ocean to seek the Isle of Pixel, for to become true Guitar Heroes.

And they did. Rock on.

Mein Menu, part 8: Golden Grain Restaurant, Inc.

Opportunities for free food are very important, but sometimes they don't quite pay off. In such cases, it is time to add to the Mein Menu.

This time Tiffany and I came from a potential free food opportunity in Piedmont. Actually, the free food was only part of the reason for attending, and there was in fact some free food, so overall it was good. But the free food, while tasty, consisted mainly of hors'dourves that did not provide sufficient sustenance to replace dinner. Therefore, we find ourselves searching for food along San Pablo Avenue.

We decide to investigate Golden Grain Restaurant, Inc., which is located just south of the intersection of San Pablo Avenue and Solano Avenue. From the outside it presents itself fairly well, but what catches my attention is the "Inc." on the sign. Incorporated? Really? This intrigues me.

Inside, the restaurant is moderately large, and there is one family of Asian descent having dinner. There are several tanks containing a variety of aquatic species, and the menu reflects a large seafood component. We decide to order the house special chow mein and roast duck, which I have not eaten before. This apparently entitles us to some soup as well, which contains some meat the identity of which is not immediately obvious. Eventually we conclude that it is a form of beef. It did not take nearly as long to determine that it was delicious.

Upon arrival the food is quite good. The chow mein comes with the standard chicken, pork and beef but also some octopus and / or squid, which lends a seafood flavor to the whole dish that actually works very well. The roast duck is also very good. Having not eaten it before I am unable to make comparisons, but Tiffany informs me that this one is especially fatty, making it very delicious but also very filling.

The only drawback came when the staff attempted to supply us with forks rather than chopsticks. We correct this. Aside from this one incident, the experience is quite good, and Tiffany gives her approval to the restaurant. The menu is quite extensive and would definitely merit further visits; Hong Kong-style chow mein is also offered, though I was not able to sample it at this time. Overall, Golden Grain appears to deliver some quality food.

Incorporated.

Mein Menu, part 7: New Peking Restaurant

Berkeley is a cool city and all, but sometimes one gets tired of only having blatantly student-centric businesses or blatantly chic upper-class businesses with nothing in between. Berkeley does not seem to believe in chains... even the Ace Hardare is disguised as "Berkeley Hardware" with a tiny Ace logo underneath. Many of the independent stores are quite good -- there are some great bike shops, for instance -- but often they seem to think that being an independent business means they can overcharge for things. The term "hoighty toighty" comes to mind.

Thankfully, there is a solution, in the form of San Pablo avenue. If you can't find something in Berkeley, you can find it on San Pablo avenue. It's where you go to get to a Target. If you drive far enough you can find an IHOP, or a Denny's, or a real Ace Hardware. If you're going to a funk fest and you need fried chicken, you go to San Pablo avenue to get it. In fact, you have as many as four choices of fried chicken if you drive far enough.

And San Pablo avenue has its share of little independent businesses as well, but not the uber-chic kind. Businesses like the famed Wet Pets San Pablo (in this case, the "pa-" is pronounced as in "patty"), though you have to drive a ways to get to that one. Tiny used electronics shops, little beauty salons. And, of course, food. Here at the HMS it's one of our favorite pasttimes to just drive down San Pablo and pick a place to eat at random. If you go north to the city of San Pablo, you can find a bunch of tacquerias where no English is spoken. A little closer, you have burger joints, Hawaiian barbeque shacks, pizza places, English-speaking tacquerias, and of course, a plethora of Chinese places. And it's my duty to try their Chow Mein.

This time I was driving with Craig and Tiffany. We had passed four or five Chinese restaurant before we randomly picked a place: New Peking Restaurant. It seemed like a pretty standard small Chinese restaurant. There weren't any other customers. They had a big fishtank.

Tiffany grudgingly accepts that we apparently wish to each order our own dishes instead of ordering as a group and sharing them. Ordering as a group would, of course, be correct, but Craig and I have bad habits. The waiting staff seem to be used to people with bad habits.

I get the House Special Chow Mein, naturally. Craig gets the House Special Fried Rice, so we have the House Specials covered. Tiffany orders a pork dish. Prices seem to be fairly standard, but when the food arrives I notice that portions are significantly smaller than I have usually seen. The chow mein is decent but not a standout, and I get a similar impression from tasting the other dishes. It did have good vegetables though. Overal it was fairly average... I've definitely had better.

But who knows? Maybe the best chow mein I've ever had is waiting at one of those five places we passed on the way. You never know unless you just try eating there. That's what San Pablo avenue is all about.

Chapter the Ninth, on How the Crew Cleaned the Hull of the HMS Fort Awesome

And it happened that the crew of the HMS Fort Awesome hadst their renowned battle with the great sea-beast Arlax, of which songs are still sung the world over. The fine vessel didst spring a leak amidst the fray, and the Captain bade make to the nearest port post-haste for repairs.

And so the crew didst arrive at the Isle of Wight, and the HMS Fort Awesome wast lifted from the waters on a great sling, revealing a gash made by way of the great tentacle of Arlax. The Captain didst bid the best caulkers to mend yon hole, and work began anon.

And the crew didst look upon the naked hull of the vessel, and didst see 'twas covered in all manner of brine and sea-weeds, and there wast a thick casing of barnacles throughout. "Verily, we hath seen many voyages," Aaron Esser-Kahn spake. "Yea," chimeth Keith Lawler, "perhap we shouldst clean yon hull, for 'tis cased in filth." And the rest of the crew didst speak aye, and so made ready for the undertaking.

Captain Waltorious and Dan Kelly didst sail forth in Dan Kelly's sloop, which wast named Diane, for to procure scrubbing tools from port, whilst the rest of the crew made fast rigging so as to hang themselves over the rails, where they couldst begin scraping with hand tools. Tiffany, who wast on board, didst insist on helping, but as there wast not enough rigging she didst swab the decks instead, for which the crew wast most grateful.

When the Captain and Dan Kelly returned, they found the crew scraping the hull amidst a most formiddable cloud of dust. "We doth need some form of mask," Nate Sheetz didst shout, "for we doth run risk of catching yon Brine Lung!" "Verily, I shalt head ashore to procure some breathing masks," Joe Batchelor spake. And so Joe Batchelor took his skiff to shore, whilst the crew didst tie tunics over their faces in the meantime. Captain Waltorious and Dan Kelly joined in with hand tools whilst Keith Lawler operated yon automatic scraper, which the Captain and Dan Kelly hadst procured.

Ere long Joe Batchelor returned with yon masks, and the crew didst make good time. Passerby couldst hardly see the crew amidst all the brine dust, but when it didst clear some few hours later, they didst see the hullboards of the HMS Fort Awesome clean and polished. "Let us clean ourselves of this brine and sea-salt," CEO Craig Schwak cried, and the crew didst agree most wholeheartedly. And when 'twas done, the crew headed ashore for a feast in celebration.

Anon the caulkers didst finish repairing the hull, and the vessel didst look most fine as 'twas lowered back into the waters. And so, when 'twas provisioned again and all preparations hadst been made, the crew made ready to set sail once more into the open sea, heading west, where Arlax hadst lain in wait. For no vessel hadst ever passed through the waters the great beast guarded, and the brave crew wert once again heeding the call of the unknown in their search for knowledge upon the seas.

Mein Menu, part 6: Yummy Chinese Restaurant

Summertime as a graduate student in Chemistry at Berkeley means one thing: significantly larger paychecks for two months. But it also means Chemistry league softball. Chemistry league softball is good. The philosophy of Chemistry league softball is cheap beer first, softball second. Chemistry league softball also involves possibly the most complicated ground rules of all time, due to being played on a field that is shaped kind of like an amoeba. Chemistry league softball also provides a few other important things, such as an excuse to leave work early during the summer, and an excuse to go out for dinner before the games.

For a while last summer, Craig, Joe Sweeney and I would go to Denny's before the games, believing it somehow provided us with luck. We soon realized this was a bad idea, so we started essentially picking places at random. Sometimes we would just drive down San Pablo until we saw somewhere that looked good. Often they weren't that good.

For the first game this season, Craig and I decide we need to go to Yummy Chinese Restaurant. I'd heard about it from Craig and Joe Batchelor who had found it once while randomly driving down San Pablo (non-Chemistry-league-softball-related). It earned such accolades as "Oh man... Yummy Chinese Restaurant" and "Dude... Yummy Chinese Restaurant." I knew I had to try it.

The place itself is pretty small, and seem to be frequented mainly by people of Chinese descent. It's located slightly north of El Cerrito Plaza on San Pablo. Joe Sweeney meets us there in his Mustang, and we get a table to check out the food. They seem to have a fairly standard selection of vittles. I, of course, head to the Chow Mein section of the menu, and order the combination Chow Mein. Craig and Joe try some more standard meat dishes.

The Chow Mein is pretty good, and the price is very reasonable. It's a fairly standard combination of chicken, beef, pork and shrimp plus the standard vegetables. Good sized portion too. Overall a good choice.

A few weeks later we have another game, so it's time to grab some food again. After much deliberation, we end up with a larger party including Nate, Dan and Tiffany as well as Craig and myself, and we end up being unable to decide where to go so we just start driving. After heading down Solano and subsequently up San Pablo for a while, we end up at Yummy Chinese Restaurant again. This time I read the menu a little more carefully, since I've already tried the chow mein. I notice, however, that there is a separate section entitled "Pasta" that includes a dish called "Hong Kong Style Chow Mein", apparently featuring twice fried noodles.

Intriguing.

Turns out it wasn't very tasty though. Tiffany tries some, and notes that the sauce has no taste. She is, unfortunately, correct. The noodles are OK, but the meat and vegetables are also a little lackluster. I would be remiss, however, to not point out that the potstkickers at Yummy Chinese Restaurant are excellent.

Besides, of all the things that Chemistry league softball is about -- beer, making fun of people's socks, Craig kicking up dirt, deciding which PhD has the best ass -- it is also about trying some food that might be terrible. And sometimes that food needs to be Chow Mein.

Chapter the Eighth, on How Andrea Manzo Left the HMS Fort Awesome and Nate Sheetz Joined the Crew

And so if came to pass that Andrea Manzo didst leave the HMS Fort Awesome for to becometh captain of a science frigate, which didst conduct research unto the mysteries of biology. "I hath learned much whilst sailing with thee and thy crew," Andrea Manzo spake to the Captain, "and now I doth set forth to seeketh knowledge on mine own." "Yon frigate be'est a fine vessel," Captain Waltorious replied, "and we all wish thee well in thine travels." "Aye, yon frigate shalt be a pleasure to sail," Andrea Manzo spake, "and it doth have yon Murphy Bed!" And so Andrea Manzo didst prepare to take her leave of the crew, and she didst promise to oft visit the HMS.

Ere leaving port, the crew of the HMS Fort Awesome didst put forth word that the ship didst seeketh a new sailor. Soon the Captain didst begin to receive much correspondence from hopefuls, for word hadst spread wide of the exploits of the HMS and her fine crew. "We must needs present the ship such as yon landlubbers hath never witnessed!" Aaron Esser-Kahn cried. And so the crew didst set about swabbing the decks and mending the sails, until the HMS didst look as fine as the day she set sail.

And so the hopeful sailors didst come to see the ship and meet her crew. The first didst seem competent at sea, and put forth a score of intelligent inquiries. "Art there places to tie fast mine skiff?" he didst ask. "How art rations handled? Lookout duties? Deck swabbing?" After he hadst toured the ship and seemed satisfied, he asked if the crew hadst any questions for him. The Captain, Dan Kelly, Aaron Esser-Kahn and CEO Craig Schwak didst exchange glances. "We hadst not really thought about that," the Captain spake. Aaron Esser-Kahn approached the sailor and spoke, "Look straight in mine eye, and answer this... doth thou love Jesus?"

The sailor didst appear ill at ease. Then the Captain spake, "But Aaron Esser-Kahn, thou art Jewish!" And so all didst laugh heartily. When the sailor hadst left, the Captain spake, "I think he may'est not wish to sail with us." "Mayhap we shouldst consider queries to put forth to yon sailors," Aaron Esser-Kahn replied. "'Tis a capital idea," CEO Craig Schwak didst agree.

And so the crew didst see more hopeful sailors, and wert ready to inquire as to their merits. "I hath used many substances which affect the mind, and doth walk everywhere without shoes!" one sailor cried. "Wouldst it be amiss if I didst bring a score of Brazilian martial artists aboard?" another asked. "I doth sit and watch yon television for all hours, and hopeth for crewmates to keep me company," a third spake. A fourth, known to those in the port only as JediPhresh, didst not even appear when he wast scheduled. "Be'eth there no decent sailors in yon port?" Dan Kelley didst ask. "We hath not yet seen a single one worthy of our fine vessel." "There is one more sailor who hath expressed interest," the Captain replied. "Let us see if she possesseth the merits we seek."

And so the last sailor didst come aboard, and wast most impressed by the vessel. "'Tis truly a fine vessel, Captain," she spake, "and thy crew art noble and skilled. I wonder if I might asketh Andrea Manzo about her experience sailing with thee?" It so happened that Andrea Manzo wast on board, overseeing the transfer of her cargo to yon frigate, and the Captain didist grant the sailor's request forthwith. Whilst she conversed with Andrea Manzo, the Captain didst consult his crew. "She is by far the best of yon lot," Aaron Esser-Kahn spake, "I think we shouldst offer her the position." Captain Waltorious looked to the other members of the crew. "She seemeth most cool," Keith Lawler noted. "Aye, she wouldst do," Dan Kelly spake. And so, when the sailor didst return to deck, the Captain spake, "Thou art clearly most qualified of those we have seen, and we wouldst be honored to have thee sail with us." The sailor wast taken aback. "I am honored by thine offer, Captain," she spake, "but I must have time to consider." "But of course," the Captain replied.

When the sailor hadst taken her leave, the crew didst inquire as to what she hadst spoken of to Andrea Manzo. "She didst want to know what 'tis like to be the only female in thine crew," Andrea Manzo said to the Captain. The crew wast quiet. Then Aaron Esser-Kahn spake, "This doth not bode well."

Sure enough, on the morn the Captain didst receive a letter from the sailor, which didst indicate the she declineth the offer to sail. "Now what shall we do?" Keith Lawler asked. But Aaron Esser-Kahn didst emerge from his cabin with a letter of his own. "I hath just received correspondence from mine friend Nate Sheetz!" he cried. "He doth wish to sail with us!" "But doth he not work in port?" CEO Craig Schwak inquired. "'Tis true that Nate Sheetz doth restore ancient graphical artifacts in port, but he canst do much of it aboard the ship," Aaron Esser-Kahn replied. "And he canst take his Le Sabre luxury sloop ashore when he doth require it." Nate Sheetz wast a member of the Tribe of Caltech and hadst visited the HMS Fort Awesome many times, and hadst a rapport with the crew. "'Twould be most excellent if Nate Sheetz couldst sail with us!" the Captain didst cry.

And so Nate Sheetz commissioned a small tug to bringeth aboard his effects, whilst the crew set to provisioning the HMS. When all wast in readiness, the crew prepared to set sail once more to probe the mysteries of the deep. Andrea Manzo wast true to her word and didst oft visit the crew when her frigate wast near, and Nate Sheetz didst prove a most valuable crewman, with great knowledge of the ancient Consoles, Computers, and Televisions that the crew hadst collected in their travels. Soon the tales of his great wisdom hadst grown to rival those of the rest of the crew, and the songs of Andrea Manzo's great discoveries wert sung far and wide. But it wast not for glory that they sailed, but the pursuit of knowledge and understanding, of which there wast ever more to seek. And so the HMS Fort Awesome sailed on, into the great oceans, where none hadst sailed before.

Except for that one guy.

The Best of Keith Lawler #74

Some of you may say that Keith Lawler is a great American. This is true. Some of you may say that Keith Lawler is an even greater mathmetician. This is also true. Some of you may say that Keith Lawler is a monster in the sack. That's just incorrect. But there are many other things that can be said about keith, such as that every once in a great while, humanity will stumble upon a man so great, so inspiring that generations study before him, so intelligent that books are written about him, so strong that boulders tremble before him, so diplomatic that nations weep for his assistance. Keith Lawler is not that man. But Keith Lawler has said many amazing things in his day. With that I bring you, Keith Lawler, The Best of The Box, as seen from me, the witness. Because remember when it comes to Keith Lawler, we are all witnesses.

-----The Scene-----
Joe Sweeney's Car (Joe is Driving, Keith is in the front and Dan is behind the driver, we join them in the middle of a conversation).
Joe: Yeah, I have never been in a bar fight.
Dan: Well I wasn't really in a bar fight so much as a fight started around me.
Keith: Well, I've never been in a bar fight (Angrily) Cause if you haven't noticed I'm not exactly the smallest guy around.
Joe & Dan: (Look around awkwardly)
Joe: Well we're at top dog, let's go. (Joe and Dan exit stage left, Keith exits stage right).

Mein Menu, part 5: Daimo

There are a few ways to tell that a Chinese restaurant really serves authentic food. For one, it has to be hard to find, unless you've been there before. Daimo certainly satisfied that requirement... we ended up turning around after driving through some slums in Richmond, and then stopping at a 76 and calling 411. Once we found it, it turned out that it was only just outside of Berkeley, in a cleverly-hidden full-fledged Chinese mall, complete with Chinese grocery store and lots of signs that are not in English. Signs that are not in English are good signs.

Inside, it is one of the most crowded restaurants I have ever seen, and about 98.4% of the patrons are of Asian descent. Definitely a good sign. We take a number, which is handwritten on a small slip of paper and appears to consist of a 2 and a backwards 9. We also note that the numbers are being called in another language. Although ours is called in English, eventually (it is number 29).

Craig found this place on the internet and was intrigued because it claimed to have 900 menu items. The actual menu doesn't seem to be quite that large, but it's still farily gigantic, with at least a few hundred items on it. They also have a separate menu of dinner combo specials that go up to around $400 in price and feed about ten people. It was impressive. We stick to the normal menu, and note something written on the front:

QUALITY OUR CONCERN
CUSTOMER WE RESPECT

Excellent.

I check out the noodle dishes, and find that there is only one dish that is actually called Chow Mein... the Mixed Vegetable Chow Mein. However, there are many dishes that are served over pan-fried noodles, and there are also several dishes that are referred to as "tossed-noodle". I figure this is probably another indication of the food's authenticity. In the interest of the Mein Menu series, I want to try something close to Chow Mein, so I ask the waiter when he arrives. He tells me to go for the "Mixed Meat and Vegetable over pan-fried noodle", explaining that I can get it over soft noodles instead of pan-fried noodles. Sounds good to me.

The others try some samplings of a variety of other menu items. Dan gets barbeque duck over rice, Manish goes for the barbeque beef noodle soup, Aaron gets a chicken and green bean dish, and Joe Batchelor and Craig each go for a hot pot dish... Craig's is a beef stew type of dish, and Joe's is a curry. We also get an order of dumplings as an appetizer. Amusingly, everyone's main course arrives before the dumplings. The first thing we notice is that the portions for everything are uniformly gigantic, and the second thing we notice is that everything is very delicious.

I have eaten many heaping plates of Chow Mein in my life, but this one is definitely the heapingest. The noodles are the thin type that are usually pan-fried, though these have not been pan-fried. Now, I've eaten many Chow Mein dishes that claim to feature a variety of meats and vegetables... usually this means that they contain chicken, beef and shrimp. Sometimes pork too. That's nothing compared to what Daimo serves. I found chicken, beef, pork, possibly duck, shrimp, squid, mussels, and an unidentified shellfish, in addition to a decent array of vegetables. As Manish put it, "there's a party in your noodles, and everyone's invited."

Somehow I manage to eat it all, a feat I did not expect to be able to accomplish. It was quite tasty, though a bit different from other Chow Mein I've had, due to the smaller noodles and the fact that there was not much of a sauce. But I have a strong feeling that this one was a lot closer to the real thing. I also had some tastings of the dishes that the others had ordered, and indeed the quality of the food was pretty high all around. The only exception, interestingly, were the dumplings, which arrived in the middle of the meal. They were a bit lackluster, and at that point we were already fairly stuffed.

Other highlights of the meal included Joe Batchelor finding chicken feet in his curry, and Dan's milk bean drink. It appeared to consist of about one-third coconut milk, and two thirds beans. I challenge you to find that at your standard Chinese restaurant.

It was definitely one of the more interesting places I've been to since starting Mein Menu, and it makes me wonder how many other places there are hidden around. If you're looking for something a little different for Memorial Day, Daimo does not disappoint.

Mein Menu, part 4: Chinese Express

"Chinese Express: $1.45." That's what it says in large neon writing in the window.

We are intrigued.

It took us a while to actually try it out though. I think it was Craig and I who first stopped in. It was a Wednesday night. In the Saykally group, Wednesday nights mean group meeting, which means free food. And when you're a first-year graduate student, opportunities for free food are very important. If you've never tried being a first-year graduate student in Chemistry, you may not fully understand how important opportunities for free food are. But they are. Trust me.

The thing is, this time we didn't get any food at group meeting. I don't remember why... it may have been a special guest talk or something like that. The important thing is that Craig and I were left without our free food option for the evening, and this was not cool. However, after spending most of group meeting thinking about the lack of food rather than actually listening to the talk, we felt we had come up with the solution. "Dude... Chinese Express?" "Yes."

The place is just a few blocks south of campus and is very tiny. When you walk in, there are newspaper clippings on the walls in which the cheapness and quality of the food of Chinese Express are lauded. If you come during lunchtime, the place is often filled with construction workers and the like, all of whom have the slightly smug look of those who are in the know about the best and cheapest places to eat. Of course, we did not come during lunchtime... more like 9 PM.

It turns out that the $1.45 is a little misleading. That is the price for a single menu item, of which the choices are clearly presented in a buffet-style counter. Most meals are actually "combo deals"... for instance, 3 menu items and a soda. You point out what you want, and they heap it onto a plate for you. The overall price for a meal is still very cheap though. Also, we had inadvertently discovered another advantage of Chinese Epxress... if you come close enough to closing time, they will give you a significant amount of extra food. "You want some of this?" the guy behind the counter asks me, after I've already ordered my meal. He also offers two or three more things to me. I don't think I need to tell you what the answer to those questions were.

Anyway, Craig and I find a table on campus and set to eating our incredibly large amounts of Chinese food. I got the Chow Mein as well as a bunch of other things. How is the Chow Mein? Not very good. The other dishes fare better though, and for the price we certainly weren't complaining. Because if you can't have free food at group meeting, large amounts of extremely cheap Chinese food is the next best thing.

Tis cubs vs. Whitesox Times

Once again we turn to what really matters. Cubs vs white sox.

check out the palehose six

GO SOX!!

Schwak

Chapter the Seventh, on How the Crew Met the Clan of Esser-Kahn

And so the HMS Fort Awesome didst make course for port once more, after many moons charting the Isles of Wraiths in the western seas. 'Twas to the delight of the crew to find they wouldst be dropping anchor in the Golden Bay, knownst by some as the Bay of the Sun, for folk of all ends of the world knoweth of the fine wines that art made there. And it so happened that Aaron Esser-Kahn's mother and sister wert traveling thither anon, and wouldst come to visit the ship, and the crew wast delighted to be able to present the fine vessel.

In two days, the HMS Fort Awesome arrived at the bay, and the crew didst gaze upon its green hills. They wasted not time in dropping anchor and sending the first skiffs to shore, in eagerness. Aaron Esser-Kahn didst meet his mother and sister that same day, to showeth them the ship, and they wert verily impressed. "But more thereafter!" Aaron Esser-Kahn cried. "Now we must needs taste some of the famed wines of the Golden Bay!" And so he and his clan didst set forth in his skiff.

Captain Waltorious hadst business restocking the vessel, but Keith Lawler, CEO Craig Schwak and Dan Kelly wert also eager to head ashore, for Keith Lawler hadst heard there couldst be found fine Hispanish cuisine on the eastern side of the Bay. And so they set forth in CEO Craig Schwak's small skiff, which wast named Shaniqua. "I have heard yon tavern doth have fine Hispanish vittles," Keith Lawler said, and didst point out the location on CEO Craig Schwak's map. “Truth,” CEO Craig Schwak replied. “Nay, prithee allow me to retract mine statement, and speak thusly: double truth.”

It wast not long before they set ashore, and foundeth the tavern readily enough. The food, however, didst not live up to the tales. "'Tis most certainly overpriced," Dan Kelly noted. "I hath verily eaten better," CEO Craig Schwak agreed. "Yea, I hath tasted Hispanish food far better than this in mine hometown," Keith Lawler spake. "Truly, 'tis disappointing." The three ventured outisde, whereupon they didst see a market, wherein merchants wert selling all manner of foodstuffs. "Look yon," CEO Craig Schwak spake, "there art many fine cheeses being sold!" And so the three didst examine the offerings, and CEO Craig Schwak and Keith Lawler spent a good sum, and brought many fine cheeses back to the vessel.

"Aaron Esser-Kahn must needs still be ashore," Dan Kelly noted, when they hadst returned. "Yea, and the Captain hast gone for provisions," Keith Lawler didst observe. "Verily, let us taste of these fine cheeses!" And so CEO Craig Schwak and Keith Lawler didst partake of the cheeses, and didst fine them most succulent. "Dost thou knoweth what wouldst go well with these cheeses?" CEO Craig Schwak asked. "A bottle of wine wouldst be perfect." And it so happened that Captain Waltorious hadst requested for several cases of wine to be brought aboard for the subsequent voyage, and Keith Lawler didst spy them. "Yonder, the Captain hast brought wines aboard!" Keith Lawler shouted. "We shouldst throw a wine and cheeses gala!" "Yea, but we hath spent much on yon cheeses, and we hath not much to share," CEO Craig Schwak spake. "We doth not need guests," Keith Lawler espoused, "we shalt enjoy yon wines and cheeses in our own company!" And so the two didst partake of the cheeses and wines.

When the Captain didst return with more provisions, he didst find Keith Lawler and CEO Craig Schwak in most high spirits. “We hath drunken of yon wines!” Keith Lawler cried, most mirthfully, as he didst stagger over the decks. “Yea, and our cheeses wert as music to our mouths!” CEO Craig Schwak called forth from where he layeth on the deckboards. “I desireth pie, but alas I hath partaken of too much spirits and canst not man the tiller of a skiff,” Keith Lawler lamented. “Pie!” CEO Craig Schwak didst cry, to no person in particular.

‘Twas at that moment that Aaron Esser–Kahn didst return with his kin. Keith Lawler didst shout most loudly about wines and cheeses, and CEO Craig Schwak wast rolling about on the decks, and occasionally wouldst cry, “bringeth me pie, thou scurvy knave!” Aaron Esser-Kahn’s kin wert most taken aback by this sight, and the Captain didst attempt to reassure them. Shortly thereafter Aaron Esser-Kahn and his kin didst depart once again for to seeketh supper ashore. “We wert most drunken and brazen in the presence of Aaron Esser-Kahn’s clan,” Keith spake, e’en as he wast still fulleth of grog. “We must needs make amends!” “Bringeth me pie!” CEO Craig Schwak didst cry from the deckboards.

And so Keith Lawler didst persuade Andrea Manzo to take him ashore in her skiff, and he didst procure many pies, and returned with them to the HMS Fort Awesome. Whence Aaron Esser-Kahn didst return with his kin, Keith Lawler didst offer them and all the crew slices of his pies, and they wert most appreciative. Aaron Esser-Kahn didst relate that they hadst been out tasting the fine wines of the bay themselves, and couldst sympathize with Keith Lawler and CEO Craig Schwak’s merriment. And so Aaron Esser-Kahn’s clan didst depart as friends, and wouldst oft visit the vessel whence it wast in port. Truly, they came to know the crew well, and anon the awkward circumstances of their meeting wast forgotten.

Just last night I spoke with Elvis

And We went out on a shopping spree.

So I decided someone actually needs to update this mofo since like 27,352 people have access to update this (email me if you want to be added, although presumably since no one ever updates no one is reading this) and no one ever does. So this will sound far more like a blog post than anything I ever have posted before or probably ever will, cause it gives some vague insight into my life, however slim. In the future I'll avoid that for you, the reader, since trust me you wouldn't like me if you, the reader, knew what I was up to. Let me summarize, it's not appropriate for small children.

Well first I figured I should put a linky to the very method by which you are reading this


New Built to spill came out recently, which was pretty good.

My birthday happened so I talked to alot of people who I forgot to talk to for a while, cause everyone remembers my birthday for some reason.

This weekend I got invited to a whole Bunch of things, yet went to none of them.


All right, maybe someone else will update this piece.

People Say That I Don't Understand What It Takes To Want To Be Your Man. I Don't Care Much For That, I Don't Know Why.

Mein Menu, part 3: The Great China

I've been staring at it for an hour, and it still doesn't make any sense. You know how these professors are... they write a textbook and they act like it's beneath them to actually figure out if the questions are worth a damn. Feels like I've been looking at this thing for five hours instead of one. It's getting late, and I can feel how empty the building is. Even Jared is gone. But it's not like I have anywhere to be. Times like this, I usually crack open a bottle of something, to ease up the mind. All I could scrounge up today was a Beck's, and it's not helping. Maybe it's time to pack up for the night.

That's when I hear the footsteps, and, fainter, the sounds of a saxophone. Dames... they always have perfect timing. As the foosteps get closer I look up to see a figure step around the liquid nitrogen dispenser. Except it's not a dame. It's Craig. "Hey man, we were going to grab some Chinese food, if you want to come," he says. I look back at the book in front of me, with the equations staring right back. The tropospheric lifetime of methane is going to have to wait.

Outside it's raining, even harder than I expected. Keith, Aaron and Manish are there. I turn up the collar of my trenchcoat. "Manish, where's your ride?" Aaron asks. "I've got it up on the north side," Manish replies. "We can get most of the way underground," Keith says. It's true. If anyone knows the bowels of these buildings, it's us. After several dark corridors and a ride on the freight elevator, we're standing outside Tan Hall and Manish heads for his car.

The place we're going is called The Great China. Never been there before myself, but the fellas say it's got a good rep, in the right circles. Still, when we get there, I'm a little skeptical. I get my Chinese food at the small joints off the alleyways, but this place is a step up, on a full-fledged side street. The sign is unassuming enough though; a little white one with "The Great China" in small print. You'd probably walk right by it if you didn't know it was there. That's promising, at least... there's enough glaring neon in this town to make a man colorblind.

We pull the car into the alley in the back, which makes me feel a little more at ease. It's stopped raining too, which is more luck than a man can expect around here. When we get inside, I can tell this place is the real deal. Aaron shoots me a glance that says "how could you have doubted me?" He's right, of course. I guess I'm just a little low on trust these days.

The people in this place know what they want, and what they want is some good Chinese food. Let the high-class blokes keep their upscale Solano restaurants... this joint is where the real stuff is. A dame once told me that you can tell a good Chinese joint if it's got oil in the floor. Well, let's just say that the carpets in this place look a few shades darker than green number twelve.

We get a table in the back. It's next to a window that used to be a door, with a nice view of the back alley. The waiter gives us menus, but I barely need to glance at one. There's only one thing on the menu for me: the Deluxe Chow Mein. We get in our order, and the fellas get some spring rolls and potstickers for the table. We don't have to wait long. If you couldn't tell that the cook pulled no punches with the spring rolls, you can definitely tell with the mustard they come with. It hits you like a lightbulb to the face. A lightbulb full of wasabi. The potstickers don't mess around either... you won't find any of those thin-skinned runts here, these are all-out dumplings.

Then the chow mein arrives. It's got everything a man could ask for. Beef, chicken, pork, and shrimp with exactly the right mix of vegetables thrown in. But the main thing is that they've got the noodles down. Chow mein is all about the noodles, and I'll be damned if it isn't hard to find a cook who knows how it's done. Just the right amount of sauce mixed in, and it's near-perfect. The fact that I get a huge heaping platter doesn't hurt either.

Just when we're finishing up, a garbage truck pulls into the alley. This guy must have the graveyard shift. I've been there before. It's a good thing we didn't take my car... this guy would throw that piece of junk out with the rest of the trash. Still, we're not going to be able to get Manish's car out of there until the garbage man is done with his business. Suits me just fine... means we get to sit back for a little bit, before it's back to the grind in the morning. Not often a man can get a bit of a break around here. Trying to get by in this place will wear a guy down, week in and week out. But one thing about this town... you sure can get some damned good Chinese food.