Panic

We at fort awesome have faced a number of trials and tribualations. We faced those angry poop throwing monkeys and emerged only slightly worse for wear. We also faced those annoying space pirates, and lets not forget those horned up guinea pigs. We always emergec victorious. But never, have we faced this, which threatens to destroy us from the inside.

Yes, that one things that binds us together, alcohol, we are facing a shortage of. Scotch to be precise. May whatever deity you believe in have mercy on your soul.

White Sox

With the White Sox vs. Cubs coming up, I just thought I would like to share this with you.

Also, GO WHITE SOX

I will not stoop to the level of my esteemed colleague, Mr. Wojciechowski, and personally attack his sniveling, miserable, little "woe is me" side of the story. White Sox fans don't do personal attacks – unless, of course, you're an opposing first base coach

You want misery? You want suffering? Try rooting for the White Sox. The Sox are the only team in baseball that can lay claim to literally being an afterthought in its own city.

That's why this weekend's series is so important. This is what passes for a World Series in Chicago. But, although both clubs share a staggering history of futility, that's where the similarities end. The North Siders are the lovable losers, and, this aberrational season aside, the South Siders are just losers.

Until recently, there has been little lovable about the Sox – a bad (though improved) ballpark, an occasionally cantankerous owner, a sometimes surly superstar in Frank Thomas.

A few years ago, I told a "Baseball Tonight" producer that I was a White Sox fan. He looked at me with a stunned expression and said, "I don't think I've ever met a White Sox fan." It was as if I had just revealed to him that I was a Zoroastrian yak herder from Uzbekistan.

I rattled off my list of everything that's wrong with the Sox. Then he posed the seemingly obvious question: "Well, if being a White Sox fan is so miserable, why aren't you a Cubs fan?"

"Why aren't you a Cubs fan?" That's like saying: "Why aren't you tall?" I was born this way. I can't help it. My father is a Sox fan, so I am. It's passed between generations like a defective gene (Wojciechowski).

If given the choice, just about anyone in his (or her) right mind would choose the Cubs over the Sox. I mean, if you're going to root for a loser, you might as well do it amidst the ivy, beer and halter tops of Wrigley Field. But, in Chicago, it's not a choice. You're one or the other – and my fate was to pull for the Sox.

Which isn't to say I didn't try to convert. My best friend growing up came from a long line of die-hard Cubs fans. He used to take me to a few games a year. I would try hard to root for the Cubs. I'd even chant "we want a hit" when the Cubs needed Ryno to come through. ("We want a hit!" Imagine the imbecility of it!)

But my heart wasn't in it. These just weren't my people – perennially sunny dispositions; ceaseless, unyielding optimism; a sincere belief that things will actually be better next year despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary. Nauseating.

White Sox supporters like to think the really knowledgeable fans in Chicago can be found on the South Side. Doesn't say much for the sheer number of knowledgeable Chicago baseball fans, I suppose; at most Sox games, there's hardly anyone there.

But here's what I know to be true, deep in my self-loathing, Sox-filled, sometimes cynical heart: your basic White Sox fan knows more about the Cubs – and Cubs history – than today's Cubs fans. Go to Wrigley Field and say "Scott Fletcher," and your average fan will pull at her specially designed, pink Cubbie hat with the cute bear above the brim, and stare at you blankly. Say "Scott Fletcher" to a Sox fan, and you'll find out that Fletcher played shortstop for the Cubs, was traded to the Sox in a deal involving Steve Trout, split time with Jerry Dybzinski and watched in horror with the rest of us when "The Dibber" overran second base in Game 4 of the 1983 ALCS. Yes, that Scott Fletcher, girlfriend. But, nice hat.

And what have we Sox fans gotten for our troubles over the years? A long line of ridiculousness: the uniforms with the collars, the shorts, Disco Demolition Night, Sammy Sosa for George Bell, the New Comiskey.

But, this year, it'll all be different. They've got the best record in the majors. It's a truly enjoyable team to watch: great starting pitching, an actual semblance of team speed and an ability to manufacture runs. This year, the Sox are heading to the Series. Question is – will anyone in Chicago notice?

Iron Chef Wednesday

I used to spend a lot of time with this girl I used to know and we used to chill at free concerts. And at these concerts you sit out in the summer, and you kind of let the sun fall on you, and think about whatever came into your mind. And I would find myself every once in a while, sitting around and wondering to myself, if I was an eclectic chairman of a futuristic Japanese castle and had an army of chef’s to make me shit, what would I do with myself. Well, look no further, for even though I do not possess an army of chef’s I possess one chef as strong as an army. And this man has no been challenged, by a person who although slight in size is quite large in stature in the cooking world. So, it is with great pride and a twinge of remose that I present to you, the Iron Chef Battle of the Millenium. And you are in luck, because we have a celebrity panel of judges: back from his tour of duty in Boston, the famous, but more infamous, Waltorious will judge. Also judging will be a man who was too large for the mystical island of Pasadena, and had to move to the bay area because Pasadena just couldn’t handle him. You know him as the man, the legend, but to us he will always simply be known as Caltech. The final man, imported live, but for your safety under heavy sedation, you know him as mean joe B, will be casting his vote. Or maybe Dan, I dunno or care.

Now Presenting:
Iron Chef Keith vs. Iron Chef Sheri. Live and in Pay-Per View at the HMS Fort Awesome at 6:30 this Wednesday the 22nd. By Pay-Per View, I mean we are going to split up the bill among those who attend the get together. Basically you are paying for the food.

So we live at 1181 Euclid which is just up past the rose garden on Euclid. You can catch the 65 at North Gate and take it or you can call someone for a ride. If someone else wants to come, they can drop by. Keith and Sheri, its on you to find an assistant. Word.

All right, some nitty gritty of the rules, we will announce a secret ingredient at 6:30 and then immediately adjourn to safeway, where Iron Chef Sheri and Iron Chef Keith will be allowed to buy shit they need because our kitchen is not stocked well enough to do this correctly without letting them buying stuff. Also, they get an assistant. Then they get, I’ll say until their done, but not to exceed an hour and a half to finish their meal of 2 items. The judges will score each dish from 1-10, best total score wins. I break the ties. The whole kitchen and the two Weber grills are theirs for the use. Also, the judges will be under strict orders to not use any coasters.

CEO Schwak

A wife

So as I complete my daily rounds, you know checking russianbride.com and bride.ru, I happened to get some marriage advice from a man we all know and love, Saddam Hussein.

'You gotta find a good woman. Not too smart, not too dumb. Not too old, not too young. One that can cook and clean.'

You know someone like that?

Here


Don’t worry- we’re in no hurry
School’s out, what did you expect?

I want a range life, if I could settle down,
If I could settle down, then I would settle down

CEO Schwak

Triumph

Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Check it out.

http://gorillamask.net/triumphjacko.shtml

CEO Schwak

Chapter the First, on How the HMS Fort Awesome Set Sail

And so, on the twelfth day of the sixth month of the sixth year of the third millenium, Waltorious was granted the rank of Captain, and given unto him was the ship HMS Fort Awesome, and a fine vessel it was indeed. And Captain Waltorious did say, "Verily, I must find the finest crew in all the land, for only they art worthy of such a great ship."

And so Captain Waltorious did send word that he wouldst be taking a crew, and soon the people cameth from all ends of the kingdom. The first were Dan Kelly and Aaron Esser-Kahn; they didst approach Captain Waltorious and say, "Captain, we wouldst join thy ship, for we are the wisest in the land." And Captain Waltorious did reply, "What great knowledge hast thou learned?" And Dan Kelly did answer, "We have each swam the waters of the Inter Net, and gained much knowledge thereof, and in my travels I have found several of those rarest and most ancient artifacts known as Consoles, and I doth control them with the greatest of skill." And Aaron Esser-Kahn did say, "Verily, Dan speaks true about our knowledge of the Inter Net. Also I have gained great knowledge of the musical arts, and my skill at dancing is unsurpassed in the land." And Captain Waltorious did answer, "Truly, thou art wise. I welcome thee to my humble vessel."

Next didst CEO Craig Schwak approach the Captain, and beseeched, "Captain, I wouldst like to sail with thee, for truly I am the most cunning in the land." And Captain Waltorious did reply, "Of what art thou cunning?" And Craig Schwak did answer, "I wast born in yon Bad Part, but despite my beginnings I have attained not only the title of CEO and Chairman, but also the title of The Man, which giveth me great power over other men." And the Captain did cry, "Thou art truly cunning! I welcome thee to my humble vessel."

And then didst Joe Batchelor approach the Captain, and he said, "Captain Waltorious, I wouldst sail with thee, for I am the bravest in the land." And the Captain did ask, "What brave feats hast thou done?" And Joe Batchelor did answer, "I have undertaken the most dangerous and arduous of adverntures upon mere whim, and posess countless tales with which to awe and inspire." And Captain Waltorious didst say, "Thou art surely brave indeed. I welcome thee to my humble vessel."

Lastly did Keith Lawler Jr. approach Captain Waltorious, and he didst cry, "Captain! I wouldst sail with thee on thy fine vessel, for I am truly the strongest in the land!" And the Captain didst ask, "How great be thy strength?" And Keith Lawler Jr. didst not speak, but rolled up his sleeve, and firmly grasped his pale, pasty bicep, and the crew didst gasp. "Forsooth!", Captain Waltorious didst cry, "verily thou art the strongest man in the kingdom! I welcome thee to my humble vessel."

And, thusly, having found his crew, the Captain didst bid them to set the sails, and the HMS Fort Awesome didst cast off into the fine morning, in search of untold knowledge and wisdom over the enchanted seas.