Chapter the Second, on How the HMS Fort Awesome Survived the Doldrums
And so, the HMS Fort Awesome didst verily sail upon the great seas, and Captain Waltorious and his noble crew survived many great adventures. They glimpsed those very Selkies of legend, in the cold waters of the north, evaded swarms of man-eating eels in the southern seas, and Joe Batchelor didst defeat the mighty Sirens at their own game, and didst take some for himself for the voyage.
After many weeks of sailing, Captain Waltorious didst order the vessel turned West, for to see what lay in those uncharted waters. The noble crew didst follow the setting sun for many days, until they were farther than any before had dared venture. The seas there were vast, and nary an island did they spy. After some time the winds didst give out, and there was naught the crew could do but wait.
"I have heard of this, in mine studies of legend," Aaron Esser-Kahn spake. "We have entered the Doldrums, where there be nary a gust of wind for days on end. " And Captain Waltorious didst ask, "What then shall we do?" And Dan Kelly didst reply, "There is naught to be done, but pray to the Gods of the Wind, that they might blow once more." And it so happened that Captain Waltorious wast a follower of the Gods of the Winds, and he didst pray to them each day, but he wast troubled that his prayers wouldst not be answered for some time.
And so the valiant crewmates didst find ways to amuse themselves. Captain Waltorious didst learn some of the art of those ancient artifacts called Consoles, when Dan Kelly couldst spend time to teach him. The noble captain didst spend much time on the Console beating foes with long sticks, and after time had unlocked all of the Console's secrets. Others in the crew didst also partake of the Consoles, or of the Television brought by Keith Lawler, for he had been the 64th Commodore of the land of Atari, and didst possess many of their treasures.
After a few days, the brave crew didst notice something amiss. "Keith," the Captain didst cry, "yon Remote dost no longer control thy Television!" And Keith didst reply, "Thou must, on occasion, feed it with those devices called Batteries." And Keith didst fetch some Batteries, and fed yon Remote. "Keith," Aaron Esser-Kahn spake, "yon Remote still dost not control thy Television, and I canst not remove yon Guide screen, which dost obscure the picture." And Keith didst reply, "Thou must hit yon TV button first, before yon Remote will perform thy bidding!" But the crew didst try this to no avail. "Forsooth!" Keith didst cry, "Someone hast mistreated my Remote, for now it hast become angry and wilst not perform my bidding." And the crew didst proclaim their innocence, having done naught to anger yon Remote. And Keith didst consult with Aaron and Dan, and they didst conclude that yon Remote hast become weak, for it couldst not muster the strength to control the Television. And so Keith didst cry, "We must run yon Cable through my VCR, for it canst be controlled by another Remote." And Keith didst rearrange cords and plugs with great skill, and soon he wast controlling yon Television with the second Remote. "Verily!" the Captain didst cry, "Thou hast removed yon cursed Guide screen!" And Keith didst say "Thou speakest truly, for with yon VCR, we shalt never see the Guide screen again." And the crew didst rejoice.
And so, the valiant crew were able to use the Television again, and it didst comfort them during their wait. And Captain Waltorious didst maintain his vigil to the Gods of the Wind, and after many days the Gods didst speak to him. "Though hast shown great devotion in thy prayers to us," the Gods spake. "Go now, with our blessing." And the winds didst pick up once again, and the sails filled, and the HMS Fort Awesome didst sail once more, to explore the uncharted waters and seek the wisdom of the deep.
After many weeks of sailing, Captain Waltorious didst order the vessel turned West, for to see what lay in those uncharted waters. The noble crew didst follow the setting sun for many days, until they were farther than any before had dared venture. The seas there were vast, and nary an island did they spy. After some time the winds didst give out, and there was naught the crew could do but wait.
"I have heard of this, in mine studies of legend," Aaron Esser-Kahn spake. "We have entered the Doldrums, where there be nary a gust of wind for days on end. " And Captain Waltorious didst ask, "What then shall we do?" And Dan Kelly didst reply, "There is naught to be done, but pray to the Gods of the Wind, that they might blow once more." And it so happened that Captain Waltorious wast a follower of the Gods of the Winds, and he didst pray to them each day, but he wast troubled that his prayers wouldst not be answered for some time.
And so the valiant crewmates didst find ways to amuse themselves. Captain Waltorious didst learn some of the art of those ancient artifacts called Consoles, when Dan Kelly couldst spend time to teach him. The noble captain didst spend much time on the Console beating foes with long sticks, and after time had unlocked all of the Console's secrets. Others in the crew didst also partake of the Consoles, or of the Television brought by Keith Lawler, for he had been the 64th Commodore of the land of Atari, and didst possess many of their treasures.
After a few days, the brave crew didst notice something amiss. "Keith," the Captain didst cry, "yon Remote dost no longer control thy Television!" And Keith didst reply, "Thou must, on occasion, feed it with those devices called Batteries." And Keith didst fetch some Batteries, and fed yon Remote. "Keith," Aaron Esser-Kahn spake, "yon Remote still dost not control thy Television, and I canst not remove yon Guide screen, which dost obscure the picture." And Keith didst reply, "Thou must hit yon TV button first, before yon Remote will perform thy bidding!" But the crew didst try this to no avail. "Forsooth!" Keith didst cry, "Someone hast mistreated my Remote, for now it hast become angry and wilst not perform my bidding." And the crew didst proclaim their innocence, having done naught to anger yon Remote. And Keith didst consult with Aaron and Dan, and they didst conclude that yon Remote hast become weak, for it couldst not muster the strength to control the Television. And so Keith didst cry, "We must run yon Cable through my VCR, for it canst be controlled by another Remote." And Keith didst rearrange cords and plugs with great skill, and soon he wast controlling yon Television with the second Remote. "Verily!" the Captain didst cry, "Thou hast removed yon cursed Guide screen!" And Keith didst say "Thou speakest truly, for with yon VCR, we shalt never see the Guide screen again." And the crew didst rejoice.
And so, the valiant crew were able to use the Television again, and it didst comfort them during their wait. And Captain Waltorious didst maintain his vigil to the Gods of the Wind, and after many days the Gods didst speak to him. "Though hast shown great devotion in thy prayers to us," the Gods spake. "Go now, with our blessing." And the winds didst pick up once again, and the sails filled, and the HMS Fort Awesome didst sail once more, to explore the uncharted waters and seek the wisdom of the deep.
posted by Waltorious at 2:09 PM
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