Chapter the Fourth, on the Celebration of All Hallow's Eve

After the HMS Fort Awesome hadst sailed far and her crew hadst experienced many adventures, Captain Waltorious declared it was time to return to port. The crew wast excited, for the ship wouldst arrive in time for the celebration of All Hallows Eve. "I have heard that Captain Waltorious dost have a lass who willst visit the ship wilst we are in port," Dan Kelly said. "Aye, and my good friends Raj and Manish shalt also visit," Aaron Esser-Kahn didst reply. "There shalt be much revelry!"

And so the days of sailing passed slowly, but at last the HMS Fort Awesome didst sight land, and the crew raised a great cry. "Land ho!" Keith Lawler didst shout from yon crow's nest, "'Tis the great port of Berkeley!" And Keith and the others didst open the grog to celebrate the dropping of the anchor.

In truth, 'twas a few days before the great celebration, so the HMS Fort Awesome didst open its decks to visitors. Captain Waltorious' lass Tiffany didst arrive first, and he gave her a tour of his ship, and she wast pleased, which gave the Captain great joy. And he introduced her to his fine crew, and they didst get along royally. Aaron Esser-Kahn didst take his skiff out to port to visit Raj and Manish, and said he 'twoud return with them in a few days. "Provisions!" Keith Lawler cried, "we must gather mead and grog for yon celebration!" "Verily, I doth agree," CEO Craig Schwak replied. And so the crew didst go about the task of restocking and refitting the fine vessel.

At last, the first night of the celebration didst arrive. The crew gathered together aboard the HMS Fort Awesome to begin the revelry early. After they hadst had some mead and grog, the crew made ready to head to port. "CEO!" The Captain didst cry, "Hast thou determined wherefore the celebrations art?" "I knoweth of three," CEO Craig Schwak replied. "My good friend Sassan hast told me of one, and as he is half Iranian I trust his judgement completely. Terry Yen hast heard of another, but dost not know much of it. And my friend Claire hast informed me that her residence shalt be having a great celebration this evening." "Well, then let us go!" the Captain cried. "To the skiff!"

But then the crew didst realize that Aaron Esser-Kahn hadst taken his skiff to meet his friends. "We may take Joe Batchelor's skiff," Keith Lawler spake. "I fear I hath already imbibed too much grog," Joe Batchelor replied. "It is a manual clutch skiff," CEO Craig Schwak replied. "We knowest not how to pilot it." "In my early days as a boatswain I piloted such manual clutch skiffs," the Captain mused. "I shouldst be able to pilot it." And so Keith Lawler, Tiffany, CEO Craig Schwak and Joe Batchelor climbed into the skiff, and the Cpatain didst take the helm.

The crew didst quickly realize that it hadst truly been some time since the Captain hadst piloted a manual clutch skiff. "Thou didst nearly collide with yon other skiff!" Keith Lawler cried. "My sincere apologies!" cried the Captain. "I am remembering now how I didst pilot these before." And the Captain didst indeed improve slightly, though he wast most clearly out of practice. Nevertheless, the crew didst safely arrive at port. "Verily," Keith Lawler spake, "let us begin the revelry!" "We shouldst first find Sassan," CEO Craig Schwak said. "The revelry he knows of starteth early."

And so the crew set out. "'Tis good to feel land under my feet once more," the Captain spake, and the crew didst acquiesce. "Yonder is Sassan's residence," CEO Craig Schwak said, "but he dost not appear to be in." "Mayhap he is attending yon revelry," Keith Lawler mused. So the crew didst follow the noise of the revelry and entered the hosts' abode. "We seeketh Sassan," Captain Waltorious told the host, above the din. "Sassan?" the host replied. "He dost live in yon apartment," the Captain explained. The host didst not seem to know Sassan, and as the crew glanced around the crowd they realized they knewest not anyone there. "Mayhap we shouldst find a different revelry," Keith Lawler spake. "I agree," Tiffany said. "But yon women here art most attractive!" Joe Batchelor protested. "We dost not know anyone here, and Sassan hath clearly found revelry elsewhere," CEO Craig Schwak argued. "We knoweth of two other revelries, let us seek them out."

And so the crew set out to find the revelry that Terry Yen hadst heard about, though she hadst only a vague idea of its wherabouts. CEO Craig Shwak didst try to call Terry Yen on his cellular telephone, but she didst not answer. "She said 'twere near here," CEO Craig Schwak spake, "but I see only shops." "Let us find the reverly we art sure of," Keith Lawler said, who wast becoming impatient, "ere the hour gets too late."

So the crew found the residence of Claire, where there wast a large celebration underway. Joe Batchelor used his cellular telephone to call some ladies with whom he hadst made acquantance, whilst CEO Craig Schwak and Keith Lawler determined Claire's wherabouts. "It seems Claire hath gone to Spat's, and wisheth us to get her," CEO Craig Schwak spake. "We shalt return soon." And so the Captain, Tiffany and Joe Batchelor waited betwixt the revelers. After some time the ladies whom Joe Batchelor hadst called didst arrive, and they all didst decide to investigate the revelry. There wast a dance floor inside, but as soon as the crew and the ladies hadst entered, the lights wert brightened, for there wast to be a costume contest. The Captain and the others didst look around at the revelers. "Forsooth!" the Captain cried. "Yon revelers art still in preparatory school!" "This revelry is most lame," the ladies agreed. They didst head back outside and the ladies took their leave. Joe Batchelor didst angrily call CEO Craig Schwak on his cellular telephone. "This revelry dost rank with the lamest of all time!" Joe Batchelor cried. "And thou didst leave us here! What the fucketh?"

The Captain, Tiffany and Joe Batchelor didst wait for CEO Craig Schwak and Keith Lawler to return with Claire. When they didst finally arrive, Claire didst apologize most profusely, and it was decided to return to the HMS Fort Awesome in Joe Batchelor's manual clutch skiff. The Captain didst only stall it a few times.

Aaron Esser-Kahn returned on his skiff with Raj and Manish on the final evening of the All Hallows Eve celebration. The Captain didst tell the tale of their ill-fated excursion to the mainland, and all didst listen gravely. "Verily, it dost remind me why I choose to sail the seas," the Captain spake, and all didst agree wholeheartedly. "We canst not be morbid for All Hallows Eve, " cried Aaron Esser-Kahn, "Now, whilst 'tis still the last night, let us have our own revelry aboard the HMS!"

And so they did.