Chapter the Fifth, on How Keith Lawler Broke His Arm

After the celebration of All Hallow's Eve, Aaron Esser-Kahn's friend Manish didst commision his own vessel, the HMS Fort Kickass, and he wouldst oft come to visit the crew of the HMS Fort Awesome in his personal skiff. Ere long, he and Keith Lawler had begun to practice music together in the brig, which the rest of the crew didst becometh aware of forthwith. "They art... loud," Aaron Esser-Kahn didst say to the Captain. "Aye," replied the Captain, "but they doth not do it overly often." And so the crew wast not troubled by it.

One day Captain Waltorious wast in the mess hall, when Dan Kelly didst enter. "Didst thou hear?" Dan Kelly asked. "Keith Lawler hath broken his arm; since we art near the coast Manish didst set out in his skiff for to find a doctor." "Verily, I had not heard!" exclaimed the Captain. "What happened?" "Apparently he wast rocking out with Manish," Dan Kelly replied, "and he didst leapeth onto his couch, and then leapeth off again, but fell onto his arm." "Fah!" the captain cried, "That is no way to break an arm! Keith Lawler must needs tell a better story than that!"

CEO Craig Schwak, when he hadst heard the news, agreed with the Captain. "That is truly a story most lame," he said. "Keith Lawler shouldst say that he wast slapping yon scullery maid on the head, but hit her too hard and his arm didst break." "Yea," agreed the Captain, "or that he wast hoisting the rigging in the throes of a most massive gale, and the boom didst swing and strike him down from the sails." Soon Dan Kelly and Andrea Manzo didst join in offering stories for how Keith Lawler couldst have broken his arm. Andrea Manzo suggested that a damsel wast impressed with Keith's massive biceps, but when he didst shun her she broke his arm so no other couldst appreciate his brute strength. Dan Kelly proposed that Keith Lawler hadst been in a pub brawl, but since he wast not the smallest fellow in the world, yon aggressors didst gang up on him, and it took nine men to take him down. When Joe Batchelor didst hear the news, he also offered ideas, suggesting that Keith Lawler hadst simply been trampled by hordes of eager lasses.

Manish and Keith Lawler didst return to the HMS, having found a doctor of skill on the mainland. Once the crew wast assured that Keith Lawler hadst been cared for well, they didst discuss the stories they hadst thought of for how Keith Lawler's arm wast broken. Keith Lawer listened, and decided he wouldst tell a different one every time he wast asked of it.

And so the stories began to spread, and soon they wert told far and wide, even after Keith Lawler hadst healed. Foremost amongst the exploits of Keith Lawer wast the story of how his mighty arm hadst once been broken, and the people didst marvel to think of what great monsters he must have battled on the open seas. Of all the tales of the HMS Fort Awesome and its crew, stories of Keith Lawler art still the most often told: tales of his unparalleled skill with the rigging of the sails, even amidst the mightiest of storms; tales of his epic battles against the creatures of the deep, in order to the protect the ship; tales of how lasses wouldst swoon upon seeing his mighty figure, yet he never once wavered in his dedication to the vessel and its crew. And to this day, the crew of the HMS Fort Awesome and Manish, Captain of the HMS Fort Kickass, art the only ones who knoweth the true story.